Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
