I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
