My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
