come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Randomize
