I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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