Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
