I seem to have left my pride at pride
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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