Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
