My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
