P.S. I can't hear my feet
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
