the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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