tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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