You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
