i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm always down for nudity.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
