I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize