What did we do last night that was yellow?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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