never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
