Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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