I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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