they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
