I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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