I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Randomize
