Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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