Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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