i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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