I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Randomize
