I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
