he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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