If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
