Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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