why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
