I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
