my phone needs a breathalizer
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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