Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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