Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
