You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
