someone get that fucking seahorse.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
