Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
