I think I won the penis lottery.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
