I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
