Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
