dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
