Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
