She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
