perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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