So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Randomize
