just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
