I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
