So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
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