You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
