Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Threesome in a minivan. New low
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
