That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
