he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
