He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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