i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
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