He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize
